Halo VS Reality
by System Crashed
Summary: They found a ring. They don't know how to use it. They are looking for the instruction manual. They found it. Now, only the covenant, and the alternate dimention of 'multiplayer' stand in their way of getting to the map. Won't be updating or writing for a
1. just another day on the beach

Halo VS Reality

On one glorious day on the map island of delta halo, the marines had just got dropped off onto a beach full of covenant forces. The marines were scared but ready to fight for their honor and planet. Assault rifles were blazing, plasma was flying, and our favorite hero, the Master Chief was standing around complaining about the situation.

"Damn! Couldn't they have given me a sniper with one of those highly illogical ammo packs that can carry up to 100 rounds?" ranted the Master Chief "Then dropped off on one of those cliffs with an overshield instead of on the beach with these marines/meatshields?"

It is the chief's third day on this god-forsaken ring, and he still didn't know how he went to the washroom. This time, they are supposed to find the map to Halo's control center, then go to it and drive their spaceship out of here or something like that. He's still a bit wacky, because they had a party complete with beverages with high alcohol content when they cyrogenetically froze him and Linda. He would team kill those guys as soon as he woke up, but the side effects of being frozen was short term memory loss. Anyways, back to the action.

As soon as they landed, battle music blazed on, but the Chief was too busy to notice. He strafed to the side, letting four of the walking ammo packs/marines take the plasma grenade. Using his assualt rifle, he slaughtered the two grunts that were taking cover on the side of the battlefield. Quickly exchanging his super-weak assault rifle for the porcupine shaped gun with purple spikes, he continued to unload rounds of spiky explode(ingly) purple(ly) death onto the Elite who is,er, was decimating his useless 'teamates'. An added bonus is that the bright pink explosion quickly detonated the plasma grenades dropped by the elite, taking out the grunts wobbling around as well as a couple of A.S. (Artificial Stupidity) controlled marines. Master Chief then proceeded to salvage the remaining ammo and grenades. The marines left over continued to challenge the stronger and especially smarter covenant due to their stupidity with or without their big green titan to use for cover. (Even though they don't really take cover. They are too stupid.)

"Hooch and Vittles!" cried a soldier as he threw a grenade towards an elite. The elite responded by crying "RAWR, RAWR, RAWRRRRR." _Which loosely translates into: 'your mother has a smooth forehead',_ then continued on with turning him from something alive into something that is burning and… not really alive. That manuver brought him out into the open which triggered a storm of glowing needles from the Master Chief's needler. The elite later cried "RAWRRRRR" _"Motherland!"_ then exploded in a neon-pink explosion that caused the grunts to scream and wobble around in a panicked state while the marines' bullets bounced off them harmlessly.

After picking them off and stealing their ammo, the hero of this story cocked his gun and muttered under his breath "My job here is done". Ironically, after that statement, two elites and a handful of jackals popped out of nowhere and took down Chief's shield. "F... My job is never done".

Brandishing his pistol in one hand, and his needler in the other, the Master Chief leapt towards his enemies…

To be continued… or will it? More funny stuff on chapter 2. Just click the button.

Author's note: pressing the f-key on the keyboard on default mode does the melee attack. So I call it F-ing.


	2. the discovery of the uses of bounty

Halo VS Reality 2

"Oh… my head. I felt like I got dressed up in pink plastic Spartan armor then fried and raped by two elites with a hoard of jackals," the master chief growned. Recapping the events before he re-spawned, he suddenly realized he really did do that.

"Lesson #1: never rush into a big group of enemies." Said Cortana sarcastically.

"How come you're still alive?" Said the chief through gritted teeth.

"I'm an A.I. remember?" Replied Cortana

"Count on Cortana to be sarcastic right after I got raped." Said the chief muttered gloomily

"Chief! A little help here!" Said a meat shield er... marine right before he exploded. The Master Chief doesn't mind the dead marines, because they are decomposable and thus environmentally friendly. But before he can go any further with his thoughts about saving the environment, his shield-alarm went off disturbing his musing.

"Watch Out! There's two of us in here you know?" Cortana bitched. Sometimes, the Chief wanted to shove his hand inside his skull and pull the A.I. out of his giant metal head. But that would mean the death of him as well, and he wouldn't want that. A plasma bolt stopped the regeneration of his shields and his wandering thoughts. He quickly leapt to one side to dodging the stream of green plasma a grunt was firing at him. The grunt with the yellow armor and his surroundings was suddenly splattered with bright blue blood as assault rifle bullets shredded his frail flesh. The leader of the grunt regiment peed his crotch section, and the highly developed cleaning device located in front of his waste disposal organ swiftly got rid of the vile fluid and freshened the scent with Bounty, the quicker picker upper. Now with lemon scent. But the covenant minor did not have the chance to enjoy the lemony freshness of the smell, for his fate was the same as the grunt in yellow armor. However, the freshness was not to waste because the Master Chief took a while to catch his breath, but instead smelt the citric goodness of lemons. He hated lemons… but that was irrelevant.

"Your mother has crabs!" Shouted a foul-mouthed marine as he through a grenade. The elite dove away from the grenade into a storm of homing pink needles. Of course, the pink needles jammed into the elite's soft flesh and exploded with the force of… one grenade. But that was enough to set off all the plasma grenades around him, killing 5 grunts and 3 marines.

As he knew from his last try, there was an elite behind the hill. He threw two human grenades behind the hill and was rewarded with a death scream from an elite _"Motherland!"_ John then continued to mop up the grunts with his pistol as they 'ran' around screaming "DEMON!" and "I NEED MORE BOUNTY!"

As he known from experience, the covenant force ahead is not something to rush into. "Hey Barney!" Chief called.

"Yes Master Chief!" A badly burnt Marine replied.

"I want you to lead the rest of the marines into their certain death, er, I mean into a… valiant… victory… for… the… human race… yea, that makes sense." Chief said. He shouldn't have fallen asleep during his 'how to convince people into doing stuff that they wouldn't normally do' class.

"Um…"

Suddenly, a flashback appeared out of nowhere. John was sitting in a classroom and a Cortana-like woman was skimpily dressed holding a piece of chalk. On the blackboard was written the words 'Do it for your planet'. The Cortana-Teacher then said to John with a seductive voice "I want you to be here at 0800 Hours for your _oral exam_" The flashback ended. I told you he was crazy.

"Do it for your planet" said the Master Chief. "And if you die, I will give you my box of porn."

"Okay! ... You have porn?"

Barney, with the I.Q. of a brick, was threatened to lead the marines into a hail of scorching plasma. Chief then circled around the group of enemies and threw two grenades in their direction. The first grenade killed a group of grunts, spreading their explosives and corpses randomly. The second grenade detonated the explosives of the dead grunts, killing the remainder of the covenant force and left only 12 marines. They had originally come in with 50. "They lasted longer then I thought!" the chief muttered to himself.

"What chief?"

"Nothing!"

"Foehammer! Team 031 requests a warthog, 8 gallons of beer, 5 giant pizzas, and at least 24 naked super models!" said the commanding marine

"Whoa! It must have been a heck of a victory!" foe hammer replied!

"It was! We took down twelve grunts without the chief's help!"

"Way to go marines"

"Thanks!"

"You know our motto: we deliver. Haha"

"You know, that sounded really bad out of context"

"Sorry"

So, after the battle, everyone just stood around talking about survival stories and the awesome heroics of the Master Chief while the Chief himself made plans on how to kill the marines without being detected by Sergeant Johnston or Captain Keys. Suddenly, something provoked our hero to go on a killing rage.

"You see that?" pointing towards a dead grunt, "that was me!" Said a egotistic Marine to the very annoyed Master Chief.

"You see that!" pointing towards a field dotted with dead covenant and marines. "That was ME!" Said an egotistic Master Chief. He then preceded to F the marine until he fell unconscious then stealing the pistol ammo and grenades that he dropped. "Does anyone else want to have a go?"

The Marines stood petrified in fear and horror as the Chief stared them down one by one. When the team was about to lose bladder control, a warthog, along with 8 gallons of beer, 5 giant pizzas, and 3 cafeteria ladies wearing hairnets fell on Master Chief instantly killing him.

"Sorry, but we couldn't find 24 naked supermodels, but we found 3 cafe ladies who weighed as much as 24 naked supermodels each." Foehammer said.

But there had been no one to hear her, because the marines died trying to comprehend everything.

The End, but not really

Author's note: I have an obsession about grenades in this story. Plus i updated anyways... just because I was done the second chapter It doesn't mean you don't have to review! I also made changes to the first chapter and added a bit more stuff in there


	3. We Can't Find Chief

Halo VS Reality 3

"Sigh, not again" The green giant said when he re-spawned and a small group of marines appeared in front of him.

"You know our motto: we deliver" The familiar annoying voice of the one called Foehammer said.

"That sounded really wrong out of context you know."

"Sorry"

_"Hmm,"_ The Chief thought_"If I am able to get onto the pelican that is delivering the warthog, then I have a chance to overtake the pilot and fly back to earth. The chances are slim, but with Cortana's help and her awesome ability to mod games, then I might just make it."_

As the pelican descended, Master Chief jumped on the warthog and pressed "E" to board the pelican. He then smashed the door to the cockpit, and threw Foehammer out the back onto the warthog. And since she can't be seen or killed, all the marines saw was something invisible fall from 40 feet and making a dent in the hood of the warthog. They then saw the machine gun rotating and shooting the pelican futilely. However,the pelican cannot be destroyed.

"Um… What do we do now?" Said one marine. Let's call him Mr. X

Barney stood in disbelief as his hero, the great Master Chief, left the group of 13 (counting Foehammer) stranded on a beach with a warthog, rotting elite carcasses, and the lemony scent of bounty. "We must continue the mission and survive this hell-hole."

"Ha ha ha, that was the biggest oxymoron I have ever heard!" said the egotistic marine who got F-ed by the Chief in the last chapter. His name is Kyle. His reply was six assault rifle bullets in his armor from Barney.

"Who's with me?" Barney cried.

"I'll be going!" Said the invincible and invisible Foehammer.

"So will I" Exclaimed the egotistic Kyle

"And me"

"And me"

"And me"

"Me too"

"Me three"

"Don't forget me"

"I hate Covenant"

"Cortana is hot"

Everyone froze where they are and slowly turned around to face the person who said that. The essence of awkwardness is in the air. "What, she is." The person talking stopped for a dramatic pause that was more embarrassing then dramatic, "Man, if she was physical, then I would with whipped cream and cherries!" (Do NOT try to guess what I have attempted to block out) The sick nerdy marine then got knocked unconscious by one of his teammates.

"I've always wanted to do that"

Crickets Chirp 

The long awkward silence was finally broken by the words of Barney: "Okay… let's never mention that again."

Murmurs of agreement filled the surrounding space as Foehammer gathered enemy weapons and ripped metal off of the surrounding structures to modify the warthog into some sort of land reconnaissance vehicle that is able carry up to 13 passengers, including the driver. While she was hard at work, the marines stood around drinking the beer, eating pizza, and running away from the meaty café ladies that were trying to seduce them. When Foehammer was done with the 'hog, it looked like a pickup truck. "Alright" Shouted Foehammer in her usual annoying voice: "Everyone hop on!"

"I call shotgun!" screamed Barney has he jumped into the driver's seat.

"Ahhh, Get off me" cried an invisible Foehammer

"Sorry" Barney then got into a seat beside the driver.

After the Marines got on, the modified warthog sped around the corner and into a large group of Jackals…

To be continued

Author's Note: My writing will get better as time goes on.


	4. The special intermission

Halo VS Reality Special: the interview with the Master Chief 

Me: So, welcome to the very first interview with the champion of the human race: the great, awesome, giant Master Chief.

Master Chief walks in, in his combat armor and waves to the audience, which sends up a wave of applause.

Me: Welcome to our humble little talk show. We are awed by your appearance.

Master Chief: You talk like the Covenant.

Me: … um… Just come in and have a seat here. By the way, I'm the show's host, Simon Crumb.

I offer a hand to the Master Chief.

Master Chief: I don't think you don't want to do that.

Me: … Okay then.

I smartly saluted the chief then asked him to please take a seat. He replied by punching my face in (literately) then sitting on the chair. Janitor robots come in and clean up the mess. The real me comes in with cookie crumbs around my mouth which I wiped off and then take a seat across from the chief. A well 10 feet away.

Me (looking at the mess made by the chief): I love flash clones. Anyways, I think our audience wants to know about your adventures on Halo.

Master Chief: … we killed stuff, then we burned stuff, then we blew stuff up, then we blew the whole thing up.

Me: Anyways, do you have a license to kill? Do you do it to everyone that annoys you?

Master Chief: … It came with the armor, and yes, I do.

He eyed me with an annoyed glare. I stood in fear for a while, then said into my cell phone: "prepare flash clone 2"

Master Chief: Now it's time for me to ask questions. Do you have a lot of family, friends, or fans? Basicly what I'm asking you is will you be missed if you… have a little 'accident'?

Me: um… yes, I, um, will. Right Audience?

No one was in the audience

Me: So, what's your favorite drink?

Master Chief: Super Large Cappuccino with lots of sugar and caffeine.

That seemed to calm him down a bit.

Me: That answered a lot of questions.

The evil glare entered the Chief's eyes again 

Me: So, how was your training? What were you trained to specially doing?

Master Chief: We were trained to act under special circumstances, such as not having food for 30 days, doing a drug raid and suddenly ending up at a stripper club with loads of money in you pockets and women wanting you for um… forget that last sentence.

Me: How would you react in that last situation?

Master Chief: Not having food for 30 days?

Me: No, the… never mind.

Thank goodness I saw the Chief fingering his M6D pistol before continuing with my sentence.

Me: Oh and one last question.

Master Chief: Yes, it will be your last one.

Me: Um… How did you go to the John on Halo?

Considering the Master Chief's name was John, this pissed him off more then at the time a hearing impaired marine brought him water instead of a cappuccino. But thankfully, he decided to answer the question.

Master Chief: I didn't.

Master Chief: We were trained to not go to the washroom for 14 days, or more if the situation arises.

Me: Okay that's all for today, see you next time, and don't forget to send those wonderful reviews. HIT THE LIGHTS!

_The lights went off as several gunshots were heard. My flash clone went down with a hole in his head. The Master Chief strolled out the door, and I live another day. But by the number of your reviews, it seems like you don't want me to live. _


	5. What happened after

Halo VS Reality 4 

On the last chapter, our heroes were about to drive into a troop of Jackals. Let's start from there.

Foehammer sharply swerved the warthog-truck, hitting a careless group playing covenant poker. The haunting screams of their teammates brought the other Jackals to full alert. They activated their bitchin energy shields and stupidly charged towards their foes. Foehammer reacted to this and gunned the modified warthog out onto the water surrounding the island, followed by some green plasma, which cooled and dissipated with a stream of heat as it hit the water. After a while, the Jackals got bored and stopped chasing. This gave time for the marines to regroup.

"What do we do, we can't rush them!" Whined a marine.

"We're doomed!" Screamed another.

Barney, being the self-proclaimed leader of the group had to think up of something to eliminate the jackal threat, even though they could just easily drive past them. "Hmm… Foehammer!" He ordered as he picked up a rock that looked like a dented tank shell, "Take this rock and start smashing them on the head with it! They can't see you, so they won't attack!"

"Good idea! I never would have thought of it!" Foehammer replied. Picking up the stone, she walked all the way from the water to where the Jackals stand with their glowing energy shields and plasma weapons. They are all huddled together in a big group talking about the latest shield fashions. Jackals are actually so obsessed with shields and other cool fashion items, that they will talk about it for hours on end without noticing anything. Especially a floating rock the size of their head.

"I heard the pink is the new green," Said a lovely female Jackal

"Oh, that is, like, so last minute ago!" Countered her rival.

"Check out my spiky orange shield, it's so gansta!" A male boasted for the attention of the two females.

"Dude, I've got a blue shield, that is so 1337 yo!" cried a lonely Jackal in a desperate plea to be noticed.

Foehammer, who have never killed in her life, is about to take away the life of an innocent Jackal. Believe it or not, she is a very kind and sensitive person, and will not do anything rash or cruel such as murder without giving it intense meditation and weighing the pros and cons for at least two hours or more.

"White sucks!" exclaimed the Jackal that Foehammer was towering over. That was a huge mistake, for white was Foehammer's favorite color.

"WHAT'D YOU SAY BITCH!" she screamed. The Jackals all looked at the source of the sound and saw a tank shell that looked like a rock traveling at high velocities towards one of their teammate's head.

You can kind of guess the result: **BOOM!**

There's a perfectly reasonable explanation for Foehammer finding the tank shell. You see:

Fifteen minutes earlier:

Master Chief was flying Echo 419 around the island looking for some sort of map Cortana mentioned. Hopefully, it would lead the Chief back home to earth. Being as impatient as he is, he put Cortana on autopilot and found some Scorpion ammo in the storage section. He thought if he threw the shell at the ground hard enough, it might explode, and the Chief likes explosions. While picking a spot the throw it at, he spotted some innocent covenant, so he naturally threw it at them. However, with his arm, you can't aim well, so he missed and the shell landed in the water. The impact dented and misshaped the shell so it looks like a rock. See, perfectly reasonable.

Now to the present:

"Wow!" thought Barney, "She switched the rock with a tank shell at the last second to kill all the Jackals in the group with the splash damage! Genius!"

"Ahhh… Ouch!" Foehammer had just landed with a splash right next to the warthog in hip-high water. "I'm drowning, I'm drowning!" she screamed as she splashed around pathetically.

"Um… Foehammer, stand up!" screamed Mr. X

"Yea! You're not drowning, and even if you are, I'll save you with me awesome, superior swimming skills" boasted Kyle, the egotistic marine. That got him a splitting headache from the butt of Barney's rifle.

"Okay, Foehammer, time to start moving!" ordered Barney.

"I'm drowning… Blub Blub"

"Okey Dokey… Since our driver is out of commission I call shotgun, and I will impress all of you with my superior driving skills! And noticed how I used a big word like commission?" said… well… you could guess whom.

"Sorry, but you can't drive because you are going to sleep in about two seconds"

"No I'm…" but before Kyle can finish the sentence, Barney knocked him out.

"Ahem, but if you haven't noticed, I'm still drowning!"

Order had to be maintained, and Barney was up the challenge. "Okay, Mr. X, carry Foehammer into the trunk, I'm driving!"

"Right sir, and would you like me to do CPR on…"

"No. By the way, there are still enemies ahead of us. We really need to focus on that."

Little did they know, the enemy force ahead of them was something that should not rushed upon. It's a force so fearsome, that the only chance of surviving it is to take it out from a distance, or better yet, don't. And because of the marine's intelligence, they, of course, rushed right into it.

Meanwhile…

The great slayer of covenant rested in the stolen pelican with his foot on the holo-panel. He was relaxing and sipping his Iced Cappuccino. It's only $1.99 at Tim Horton, or free at your local UNSC fleet drink dispenser. Suddenly an emergency light went on. Cortana materialized on the holo-panel and a startled/annoyed look appeared on her face.

"Chief! Get your foot out of my head!" She screamed.

"Hmm? Oh, whoops" Master Chief quickly pulled his foot out of Cortana, "So, what's up?"

"There seems to be a strange ripple in space-time, which has the ability to transport us to an alternate dimension." Said Cortana. There was numerous numbers and equations running across her hot… tight… body… oh yea… whipped cream and cherries. Anyways, (slaps myself) back to the story.

"We can't avoid it!" Screamed Cortana!

"Then stuff up a cork up your ass, cause we're going to run it over!" Said Master Chief calmly as a glint of stupidity passed through his eyes.

"Wait, NOOO…"

NETWORK CONNECTION ESTABLISHED… LOADING MAP BLOOD GULCH

Welcome Master Chief

Welcome Cortana

Slowpoke was killed by Panda Bear

Panda Bear was killed by Slowpoke

Slowpoke: lol

Master Chief: Where am I?

Cortana: It seems like... we're in... Multiplayer!

Slowpoke: Du Du DUM!

Will the Master Chief and Cortana survive the ultimate challenge against the most dangerous game? Will Barney and his fellow marines survive the Covenant forces before them? And will Mr. X ever do 'CPR' on Foehammer? Find out next time on Halo VS Reality!

Author's Note: I copied the ending format from Dragon Ball Z episodes. Please forgive me, and don't sue me. This time, 10 reviews to the next update. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA… cough, cough. Just to be clear, the rock is actually a tank shell that looks like a rock. Slowpoke is my user name on halo demo multiplayer and Panda Bear is Shenyu's user name on halo demo multiplayer. He also has a account on fanfiction.


	6. Multiplayer Mayham

Halo VS Reality 5 

NETWORK CONNECTION ESTABLISHED… LOADING MAP BLOOD GULCH

Welcome Master Chief

Welcome Cortana

Slowpoke was killed by Panda Bear

Panda Bear was killed by Slowpoke

Master Chief: Where am I?

Slowpoke: How did you get in? It was a locked game

Master Chief: game?

Cortana: Chief, it appears we are in some sort of alternate reality where Spartans are created for the purpose of entertainment. They also appear to somehow re-spawn at certain points on this map much like we do at checkpoints. If we can beat them at this game, then we might get a chance to get out of here.

Master Chief: … I want to say something smart for once.

Master Chief: Soldier! Brief me on the situation!

Master Chief was killed by Panda Bear

Panda Bear: n00b

Master Chief: What! I am not an n00b. DIE!

Several seconds later 

Master Chief was killed by Panda Bear

Panda Bear: yes you are

Master Chief: Damn you!

Cortana: Chief, we don't know the terrain very well. It would be best if we scouted it out first.

Cortana: take the banshee behind you and fly around a bit.

Master Chief: Ban…shee? _Turns around_

_Several seconds later_

Master Chief: Yee Ha! I'm king of the skies!

Master Chief was killed by Panda Bear

Panda Bear: No Shees

Slowpoke: noob

Master Chief: good idea Cortana

Cortana: hehe

_After regrouping and coming up with a plan…_

Cortana: Here's the plan: you take the warthog and run those two over, then take the flag.

Master Chief: good idea, what will you be doing?

Cortana: I will be helping you by sniping

Master Chief: nice. By the way, how come the opponent haven't mobilized yet?

Cortana: It seems like the one named Slowpoke is taking a washroom break and the one named Panda Bear is getting something to eat!

Blue team has the flag

Master Chief: F…, Cortana snipe them down!

Cortana: Okay!

_Severalseconds later…_

Blue team score

Master Chief: How could you let them get away!

Cortana: they were moving!

Master Chief: One was taking a dump and the other said he was going to get some grub!

Cortana: obviously they were lying

Master Chief: …

Several seconds later…

Blue team score

Cortana: AHHH! Why didn't you stop them! Now they only have one more point to win!

Master Chief: They both had heavy weapons!

Cortana: they both had pistols, and you had both the rocket launcher and the fuel rod!

Master Chief: … It's always my fault isn't it?

Cortana: Yes, but anyways, let's do this thing my way, using my 'special skills'

Master Chief: Huh?

Now we go back to our favorite marines! 

The marines that the Chief left behind are taking a lovely drive on the sands of Death Island, unknown that something devious awaits them.

"Squad leader Barney! There seems to be a large covenant force up ahead waiting to do nasty thing to us." Said a marine

"You'd be blind not to see it" Said Kyle

"Nonsense, there's nothing ahead of us. I'd bet the covenant force thought that weak group of Jackals was enough to take us out. Am I right marines?" Replied Barney _"I hope they don't know that I cheated on my vision test"_ he hoped.

He shouldn't have cheated, because: 1. There really was a large covenant force ahead of them and 2. Cheating is bad. Two elites and at least a dozen grunts await our lucky group with ravaging bloodlust. If any human were ever to get caught within that group, there would be much forking and spooning involved in the eating of the human while he was alive and could feel everything. So, yes, you wouldn't want to meet them in a dark ally.

However, our group of marines wasn't just any human. They are a group of humans in a pimped up warthog. Barney, the driver, was indeed; half blind, but he could see the tree in front of him. "Holy crap! A tree!" The covenant force dodged out of the warthog's path, but what surprised them was that the warthog suddenly swerved around and crushed them under the big tires of the vehicle.

"Nice driving Barney!"

"Yea, dodging that tree was pretty awesome" Barney replied.

"Watch out! There's a tree ahead of us!"

"No silly, that's the elite we're trying to…"

BOOM

"Whoops"

Just then, Foehammer felt something against her and stirred.

SMACK! "Don't you ever touch me! EVER!" Screamed Foehammer as she woke up from her... um… condition.

Mr. X had just tried to give Foehammer mouth to mouth to try to revive her from her current status. "Um… okay, I was just trying to 'help'." muttered an embarrassed Mr. X. "Help myself I mean."

The waking of Foehammer means Barney's bad driving skills can finally be laid to rest, thus increasing the life expectancy of the group by 80-so years.

"Well, guys, since we didn't die, we can continue on with me being the driver." Said Barney

"NO" Shouted every single marine.

Then one voice cried: "Pick me, I'm the best driver out of all you suckers."

Everyone turned towards Kyle

"Why don't we just kill him and leave his body here for the covenant's forking and spooning party later on?"

"I vote Foehammer," said Kyle as he trembled in fear.

"Yea, me too!"

"And me!"

"Me three"

"Cortana is…"

19 clicking sounds were hear as the same number of pistols were aimed at the speaker's head

"I mean… I vote for Foehammer"

"Yea, count me in!"

"So it is agreed," voiced Barney sadly "Foehammer is the new driver"

"Yes! As my duty as driver, I shall…"

"Just drive!"

"Okay"

A couple of seconds later, all the marines were back in the hog and ready to go.

"I just want to be loved," whimpered Barney on the verge of tears.

"I don't think anyone will love you… unless you put on a purple dinosaur suit.," whispered a cruel marine to Barney

"Whaaaaaaa… EMO MODE!" cried Barney. He then proceeded to slit his wrists with the nearest thing avaliable: the handle of his assult rifle. Two hidden elites that luckily survived because they were taking a lunch break rushed out of the shadows at the warthog. Foehammer put the peddle to the metal as the engine came to life. The tires of the hog spun and threw shredded grass and sand into the face of the pursuing and angry elites, who shouted "RAWRRRR RAWRRR cough RAWRRRRRRRR" which either means: _"Come back, I left my cough medicine in your car!"_ or _"Yo mama smells like grunt! AH HAHAHAHA cough. Oh I crack myself up." _I think my translator is broken. Either way, the elites screamed angrily but calmed down when they found out they have things to fork and spoon. While they are doing that, our group of good guys sped off into the never-setting sun. (Seriously, the sun never sets on the silent cartographer!)

Till next time…

Author's Note: Next chapter, you will know what Cortana means by doing things her way, and I don't mean flashing the opponent, making them hypnotized with her perfect breasts, giving the chief time to get away with the flag… she might though… I hope she does.

Author's Note (PS): um… let's summarize what we have known so far: 12 out of 50 marines survived the landing (amazing I know), the Chief threw Foehammer out of her pelican and captured it; Foehammer pimped up the hog so it can seat 13 people. Chief ended up in a multiplayer game with two halo geeks codenamed: Slowpoke and Panda Bear. And the marines are about to go into the building where the silent cartographer is held. I wonder what's going to happen next? (Even though I know)

I can't believe I still have to tell you guys to read and review. I have a hit counter, so I know which one of you people is reviewing!


	7. Too Much Information

Halo VS Reality 6 

We return to the multiplayer game, where the Master Chief and Cortana talk in privacy about her secret weapon, while Slowpoke and his companion Panda Bear constantly try to team-kill each other.

Master Chief: You have a secret weapon?

Cortana: for the fifth time, YES!

Master Chief: I know what it is!

Cortana: what is it then!

Master Chief: Your girl parts! (_He said in a childish tone) _You are going to flash yourthings at the opposing team, who are going to stare in awe and then be paralysed for 10 minutes, which give me more then enough time to take the flag.

Cortana: … You are a sick bastard.

Master Chief: I try. So what is your 'secret weapon'?

Cortana: Remember my awesome ability to mod games? Well…

Master Chief: I don't get you

Cortana: … just give your pistol a try

Master Chief: but the pistol sucks. It's so weak!

Cortana: no wonder you're an n00b, now shoot it at that warthog!

Master Chief: okay

Slowpoke was killed by a vehicle

Panda Bear was killed by a vehicle

Master Chief: whoa! The pistol acted like 100 rockets being shot at once and flipped the warthog onto the two opposing players.

Cortana: Okay! stop talking now, JUST GET THE FLAG!

Master Chief: Okay. If I don't come back here with the flag, um… well… send a highly caffeinated beverage after me!

Cortana: … no

10 minutes later…

Red Team Scores

Red Team Wins

Master Chief: Yea! We so totally rule!

Game Statistics 

Master Chief 100 kills 0 assists 22 deaths

Panda Bear 18 kills 5 assists 39 deaths

Slowpoke 4 kills 15 assists 61 deaths

Cortana 0 kills 0 assists 0 deaths

Slowpoke: Again!

Now, we return back to our cute, cuddly and absolutely lovable marines.

The warthog swerved around a corner. The awesome sight of a massive forerunner structure rose from the distance, as well as the squeaky voices of grunts and the deep tongue of the elites. The massive covenant drop ship had just dropped off a troop of jackals in the lower area of the structure. The marines seriously have no idea what to do. They had to be creative and thoughtful to get out of this messy situation.

"Damn, those covenant had already secured the place, we'll need a napalm strike if we'll ever even hope of getting inside." Cursed Barney to his battalion.

"When facing a more powerful opponent, you have three choices: fall back and engage in guerrilla combat, call in reinforcements, or surrender. And since the last two aren't options, we must rely the stealth of the shadows to defeat our enemy."

Everyone turned towards Mr. X.

"What? Did I say something wrong?" Mr. X defended.

"Or, we could just burn the shit out of them!" Kyle enthusiastically shouted.

"Yea, I'm with Kyle!"

"Yea, Me Too!"

"Where are we going to get a large amount of flammable material?"

After knocking the speaker out for discovering a large problem, the team pondered the dilemma.

"We could use the mod hog's gas!"

"NO!" Foehammer cried, for she would rather give up her life then her preciously built hog, "Why don't use the delivery I made?"

Remembering the 8 gallons of beer, 3 café ladies and 12 large pizzas that she dropped off, the marines said "oh yea…" in unison.

Barney, also being the self-proclaimed strategist, developed a cunning plan. "I HAVE A CUNNING PLAN! They have heavy fortifications in and around the structure, so all we have to do is force them inside, so their squad will be a dense mass inside a tight space. We will get the Café ladies to scare them off into the building and finish them off with the legendary atomic 20-bean mega chilli surprise, which of course, has devastating effects, as we have all experienced…" Barney took off his hat and wiped a sympathetic tear out of his eye as others did similar actions. "We lost a lot of good men that day."

FLASHBACK! (Yea!)

Pillar of Autumn 

**2000 Hours **

**Mess Hall**

The cafeteria of the pillar was a hive of wretched scum and villainy. And that's just the food! The people who eat it are even worse, for the food fuels a man's desire to kill. And that's what keeps soldiers alive. It all starts at the lunch line…

"Hey, Bessie, what's for Lunch!"

"Atomic 20-bean mega chilli surprise! It's my new invention! 20 megatons of atomic gas from your ass in a 350g can!"

"Sorry, but I chose life."

He walks away with a genetically modified apple and an extended 20 seconds to live.

"Hey Bessie! Give me the Atomic 20-bean mega chilli surprise! I'm in a hungry mood! Plus I lost a bet."

Holding a container with a biohazard sign on it, Bessie the lunch lady gives the daring but stupid soldier the container. The unfortunate pawn walked to the table with the tray in one hand and the container in the other. He sat down and put the foul substance every so cautiously on the table. He pulled out his lucky tongs and slowly twisted open the container. POW! The lid popped open, etching a startled expression on the soldier's face. Evil sprites, which have been trapped inside the chilli for so long, escaped violently, into the light. Even if it means vaporising at the touch of it, they would do anything to be away from the sick creation. The unlucky man took his titanium spoon and dipped it inside the biohazard container. The spoon vaporised as soon as it touched the soup. This turn of events left him no choice… he had to use… The ultimate eating utensil! The Gundaminium (the stuff Gundams are made out of) plated, Aldurium (the stuff wolverine's claws are made out of from X-Men) re-enforced, energy shield coated, Spork! He lowered the godly device towards the evil bean chilli. The shield on the Spork flickered but didn't go out. The soldier kept an eye on the shield meter. It was rapidly dropping. He had to do what he's going to do fast. Quickly, he brought the awesome Spork up to his mouth. The Chilli tasted like a combination of poo, old mouldy sweaty socks, and week old bread in water. This brave man forced the concoction down his throat and felt a giant gaseous bubble form in his stomach. At that moment, he had only two choices: explode in a big methane explosion, or let it out embarrassing himself to death. He chose the second option. He let the cloud of vapour out, melting his seat and the skin of the person beside him. Everyone in a 5-meter radius died an instant painless death brought on by the sudden shock of the smell. As the smell travelled, it spread out into the air. People outside the radius were less lucky. The smell was so bad that burning for an eternity in the 9 leagues of hell was nothing compared to this. They suffered for approximately 5 seconds before their brains decided it would be better off for them if they died. The Café ladies however were unharmed because they were used to this kind of smell. They do this just about every day without the Chilli. And that, kids, is why Café ladies don't eat their own cooking, because everyone would **DIE**. Thank you.

To be continued. Um… yea

Author's note: I know I went a little off topic, but this flash back contains a lot of information. That's why I wrote it. If you don't read and remember the flash back, then some stuff won't fit together.What Mr. X said about the stealth of the shadows is true. There's a tree trunk nearby where you can stand behind and shoot, but they won't shoot you... much. Also, there's a reason that this chapter is called "too Much Information"...

PPS: This fan fiction is my way to get back at the bitchy café ladies at my school.

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	8. Retern of THE SPORK!

Halo VS Reality 7 

It was a sunny day.

Everything was perfect…

For the covenant

"Sir! We have found a strange earth relic. It appears to be a combination between the sacred fork and the holy spoon of the forking and spooning ceremonies." Reported the lowly blue elite to his higher commander I-am-mee.

The high commander, in his gold shining armour, was fingering his vintage energy sword and unusually large plasma rifle. He stood as if an invisible voice was talking vaguely in his general direction. The gold elite only noticed his underling because he mentioned something about a fork and spoon. (I didn't think I told you that his hearing was bad.) The commander held out his hand and felt a weight enter it. He brought the strange object towards the light and said his only words for the day: "I dub thee Spork!" His short speech was ended by a burst of assault rifle fire at the two elites. 5 stupid marines popped up from the bushes surprising the duo. The blue elite quickly drew his plasma rifle and began firing in random directions in front of him. 3 marines (being as stupid as they are) purposely ran into the balls of flying plasma, then buckled and fell. The other two charged at the gold elite, firing sustained bursts from their assault rifles. I-am-mee tossed the Spork and nailed one marine in the head. He then punched the other marine giving him a quick and painful death.

"Nice one Sir!" butt-kissed the blue elite in hopes of a quicker promotion. But the high commander was more interested in the Spork. He picked it up and examined it. It was coated with a silver-blue metal, and it seemed impossible to bend. Even him, the strongest warrior in his squad of 2000 elites could not bend it. And when he tried, there was a shimmering around the Spork, thus conforming the presence of an energy shield. When he examined it closer, he could see there was a small status bar determining the structural integrity of the Spork (measured by 9 bars that change colour and decrease in number as the structural integrity goes down) and the shield bar determining how much shield energy the Spork has left before the need to recharge. (Measured like the shield bar in the Master Chief's armour) This truly was the ultimate eating utensil. However, the high commander had other plans for it… Beep! Beep! Beep!

"_Now What!"_ The gold elite thought. His COM pad on his wrist kept ringing with the distinct tune of the familiar tune of 'Hit Me Baby One More Time'. This song was the official battle music of the elites, and they tried to sue the humans for copyright infringements.

"High Commander I-am-mee! Please report to sector 00-beta also known as the 'silent cartographer'. There is a breach in security. Our first defence have been completely wiped out." Said a lower prophet through the COM link. "We will send a banshee there to get you!"

Several Minutes Later…

Hanging off one wing of a banshee, with four grunts on the other side for counter balance, I-am-mee sighed in desperation at the covenant budget. The commander was thinking that maybe the people in his command could fundraise by selling grunts as target practice to humans. He can maybe fund enough money to purchase a decent drop ship. But for now, he will have to settle for this mode of transportation.

At last he arrived at the island. The purple flier flew into the island, where a giant hole appeared in the middle of it. The banshee swooped down and landed on the ledge. The elite and grunts all got off. The elite went straight and took the first left. The grunts followed him. He knew he would be facing a formidable foe. Even the great Spork wouldn't match up with this enemy. He unhooked his energy sword and activated it. He closed the door and waited.

The Master Chief was at the end of the multiplayer game.

He is looking at the scoreboard right now.

He had just gotten 100 kills with a modified pistol.

Cortana is currently away. She hacked into the Interconnected Network of Networks in search of the legendary Custom Edition of Halo. With this device, the Master Chief would not die in his postponed mission: The Silent Cartographer.

Panda Bear, the host, was back from yet another bathroom break and was eager to start the game. But, starting the game would leave Cortana behind in the dark, cold Inter-net. He must stall for time, and he had a plan.

"Hey Panda! … Um… You like bamboo!" Badly taunted the Master Chief.

"Of course… I'm a panda bear." Smartly replied the bear.

_Damn! That didn't work, time for plan B!_

"Hey! Slowpoke! You like Pokemon!"

"You F Bastard! I'll kill you and do stuff to your corpse in front of your children! Panda Bear! Start the game!"

_Oh dear, I've made it worse! Hurry up Cortana!_

Network Connection Established… Loading Map Blood Gulch

Welcome Panda Bear

Welcome Slowpoke

Welcome Master Chief

Panda Bear: Damn! Why am I going to the bathroom so much?

Slowpoke: LOL! It's because I put laxatives in your drink.

Panda Bear: MY GOD! HOW MUCH DID YOU USE!

Slowpoke: enough 

Slowpoke got betrayed by Panda Bear

Panda Bear: brb

Master Chief: I have to somehow win this game. Cortana will find a way in here somehow… I hope…

Welcome Cortana

Master Chief: How did you get back!

Cortana: Well, I remembered the Server IP Address.

Master Chief: What about the password?

Cortana: Slowpoke and Panda Bear don't seem very complicated, so I just thought up of the simplest password possible. Anyone who uses this password is proof that he is a complete and utterly idiot.

Master Chief: What's the password?

Cortana: 1234

Master Chief: 1234! That's the combination for my suit's self-destruction code! … oh

Cortana: idiot

Master Chief: Did you get the Custom Edition for Halo?

Cortana: yea, let's go!

Master Chief quit

Cortana quit

Suddenly, the Master Chief appeared in the pelican with Cortana in the control panel. They were flying at an altitude of around 200 feet above the island. Cortana had already placed a NAV point on their destination.

"Okay! Cortana! Test out dev mode on Halo CE." The Chief barked.

"Already done!"

"Now put me on manual pilot!"

"Are you sure?

"Hell YEA!"

"… okay" she conformed with a trembling voice

_Auto Pilot Activated_

The pelican suddenly dropped sharply, heading towards the NAV point. "Holy S" Cortana screamed. The distance between the pelican to its destination dropped from 200 feet to 0 feet in around 1.124 seconds. You can guess the result.

BOOM! 

The shrapnel and high velocity debris killed all sentinel life within 245 metres. It's a miracle that the security control centre didn't get obliterated within the explosion. "Oh My GOD! How the hell were we supposed to survive!"

"Never underestimate the power of Halo CE!" the chief replied. "So, now all we have to do activate this panel thingy right?"

Cortana just stood wide-eyed, trying to calculate their chances of survival.

"I'll take that as a yes" The chief walked up to the security panel and started pushing random buttons. The panel hummed into life and the three dimensional hologram started to spin. "Mission completed."

MARINE TIME!

The Marines equipped with makeshift gas masks stepped into the forerunner structure, wading either on, over, or through the covenant bodies. "Oh Man, it's really messy in here!" Complained Mr. X "We should've taken the hog."

"Well, It's too far to go back now." Said Barney

"What do you mean? It's only about 10 metres back to the door."

Flipping through a book of movie quotes, Barney randomly picked one: "I'll be back!" he said with Austrian accent and everything. He then kept on going deeper inside the building. Looking extremely confused, the marines hopelessly followed. They walked down a long corridor making the occasional 90-degree turn to the left. They ended up in a small room where an elite and 4 grunts were waiting.

"Holy… Grenade!" Barney shouted. All the marines threw grenades at the small covenant force. After the dramatic explosion, bodies were thrown everywhere and finally landed. They salvaged the left over weapons and grenades. By then, most soldiers were carrying at least 2 plasma grenades, 1 human grenade, a plasma pistol or needler, and of course, their trusty assault rifles. The only thing that prevents them from continuing this quest is not the massive covenant force ahead of them, but rather the door in front of them.

"How do we get through this door" Said Mr. X

"I don't think we want to!" Dribbled Foehammer. She was looking through the transparent screen as saw a gold elite with an energy sword standing there looking very menacing.

It was about this time when the marines felt a great shockwave rushing through them. They stood amazed and wondering what happened.

"_Oh My God! That felt like the force of my dear pelican crashing into a heavily fortified structure and smashing it to smithereens!"_ Thought Foehammer. Too bad she doesn't know exactly how right she is.

Seconds later, the door randomly opened and the gold elite stepped out. He puffed out his chest and acted like some type of saviour of the covenant. He stood in that position for a couple of seconds.

"Ahh! An Elite!" Shouted Barney, "Everyone Shoot it!" That's exactly what everyone did. Like a tree, the elite stood there in that pose with bullets peppering his shields. His COM link beeped 5 times and then roared RAWR RAWR RAWERRRRRR! _Meaning go to LUNCH!_ The elite slumped down, turned 180 degrees and walked away. The bullets stopped flying.

"Well, that was weird" Kyle said. After much staring at each other for a long time, the marines walked into the tunnel ready to face the foe ahead.

To be Continued… for probably the last time.


	9. The Second Last Chapter

Halo VS Reality 8 

Two races, both alike in dignity

In the ring of Halo, where we lay our scene

From ancient grudge, break to new mutiny

Where covenant blood makes the chief's hands unclean.

For the fatal depths of this bad ring,

A really cool map was made.

The two races fought for this,

And the loser shall burn and bake.

Here comes the conclusion for this war:

I hope you don't wet your pants.

For this is the greatest ever made,

And if it really is… I'll get up and dance.

(I can't dance)

"KYLE! God damn it! Stop reciting parodies of Shakespeare!" screamed Barney at the egotistic jerk.

"You know you like it!" He smartly replied.

This rag-tag band of hopeless marines, in which only four are named, go deep into the facility of the map room littered with covenant scum. They only just encountered a menacing gold elite who skipped happily off to lunch break leaving them alive for the moment. Right now, their mission is to go downstairs, activate the map, then get out somehow. They have no idea of how to do this, although each individual have their own ideas…

"_Hmm… Maybe I could use the other marines as cannon fodder, then activate the map myself and be crowned hero!"_ Thought Barney. His way of thinking is eerily identical to the Master Chief's way of thinking.

While Barney was making up his plan, the other members of his team were having thoughts of their own.

"I wonder would happen if I put a pin inside my eye. I don't have a pin. Oh! I found one from this grenade! OH SHIT!"

"WOW! Cortana is HOT! How does she keep up that great body? I wonder what's 5 yrs old in AI years?"

and

"Hmm… Although I can't be killed, I can still get tentacle raped. That could be a problem. I've got to take all the cameras from the grunts and marines before engaging in battle."

Obviously that last thought came from Foehammer. Anyways, taking his thoughts, Barney came up with a plan and moved into action. "Okay guys and girl, you move ahead and take care of the covenant. When you are done, I will come down and activate the map." If a normal person heard this statement, they would say 'no' and proceed with beating the talker into a bloody pulp. However, marines aren't 'normal'.

"Alright! Mr. Leader Sir!" Replied the marines in perfect sync. "Let's go!"

They took a left and took a left again. The group came face-to-back with a blue elite looking confused at a purple box with buttons on it. The Marines came to a dilemma. For once in their life, they don't know what to do. They've never taken down anything bigger then a grunt. Luckily, Kyle stepped in.

"Move aside you losers!" He then primed a plasma grenade and stuck it on the back of the elite's head. The elite noticed this and rubbed his head with both hands as if he's got a bad case of dandruf. Kyle then quickly ran up the ramp to the right of the elite dodging the flaming plasma from the grenade. After a couple of gunshots and squeaky screams later, a slightly charred Kyle came back and said "Area secure! Nothing moving." The Marines tiptoed into the room cautious of any movement. However, like Kyle said, nothing was moving. Purple and light blue blood dotted the floor. A handful of grunts and two dead elites lay on the battlefield... dead. Barney was especially curious on how Kyle did this.

"How in god's name did you do that?"

"You'd be amazed on what five hours of Halo a day can do to you."

"What's Halo?"

Ignoring that last questing and sighing at the noob-ness of his teammates, Kyle opened the door with his team following behind him. The door revealed two jackals stupidly waving at him as if saying "YO YO YO! HOMIES!" A grenade smartly placed between the legs quickly dealt with this.

The marine team (hey that rhymes) then descended the ramps and into another room. It was lead by Foehammer with a bag of cameras, cell phones and other moment-taking devices. Kyle, who was using her as cover, carried a M6D pistol and a plasma pistol. While he carried the weapons and skills of 1337ness, the other members of his team chose lesser weapons such as the assault rifle, or the plasma rifle. Those people were the noobs and were often used as cannon fodder or distraction devices. Several carried needlers and they usually fought alongside Kyle, helping him take down enemies.

They came in, Foehammer first. A jackal poked its head around a corner and its brains got blasted out. It fell down backwards and its shield bursted. The other jackals knew immediately that the humans was there and took a defensive position. Kyle held a hand up to signal his team-mates to shut up and go that way. Kyle himself took Foehammer as his personal shield and took a left. By the time he has arrived, his fellow marines were shooting futilely at the jackal's shields. Kyle then took his pistol and picked them off. Right then, a green arc came down on the jackal bodies, half-vaporising them.

"Hunters!" Kyle shouted. The marines stupidly charged forward. _"Ah well, it's their funeral"_ They marines lead the hunters around a corner. When Kyle turned the corner, most of the marines were covered with orange jelly and the hunters are dead. "How did… What… Um… Why only you can do stuff when I'm not looking!" Kyle asked forcefully.

"It's because you are not looking that we could do stuff." Mr. X replied, "By the way, the orange jelly was delicious."

No words can describe his shock. "… anyways, let's get going!"

Several slaughters and crappy jokes later…

"Finally, we are at the map, the holy grail which we have been questing for a long time. It's finally ours!" said Barney victoriously" Muahahahahaha" SLAM! "Ow! What'd you do that for? Okay, by the way, good work men."

"What do you mean by 'good work men'! I had to save your N00B-Betraying-Camping Asses more then 50 damn times! And it was me who killed off everything, except the hunters, which I still don't know how you did that." Complained Kyle.

"… yea… anyways, let's activate the map and get out of here." Said Barney "Does anyone have any ideas on how to do that?"

"Oh oh! I've got one" said Mr. X, "Let's wait until the Chief arrives, then let's show him what we've done. Perhaps he'll give us a cookie!"

Fearing the that covenant reinforcements have been dropped off, Barney and the rest of the team agreed.

SCENE SWITCH

Flying away on his commandeered banshee, the gold elite reflected on his actions. Should he really have walked away instead of killing the marines on the island? Probably not, but what the heck, he was on his break so nothing could touch him. Soon, he was flying over a wooded area where several humans were having a mock battle. He used the banshee's fuel rods to light the trees on fire and watched the humans put it out with their clothes. But instead the clothes caught on fire and they ran in circles screaming in foreign tongues. I-am-mee chuckled at the sight, but then sped off to his quarters where a good meal of quelewackodoo awaited him for lunch. This awesome dish is only fit for the best eating utensil: the energy shield coated, gundamanium plated, aldurium re-enforced SPORK! The tingly-hurty sensation of the energy shield only makes food taste better. However, if he ever knew what was really in quelewackodoo, he would set himself on fire while trying to cut his stomach out with an energy sword. Luckily for the sake of this story, he doesn't.

Finally he 'landed' in his camping site. Walking away from the wreckage from the banshee, he entered the circle of talkative jackals. They replied with their new salute: "I love sporks." The elite nodded to acknowledge their salute and moved on. He next saw a group of grunts practicing running around crazily. One of them pretended he was the master chief and began shooting at the grunts. There were lots of casualties though, for some of them tripped on rocks and died of a broken ankle. After another quick glance, he continued walking.

He went into his personal tent and sat down. "Servant! Bring my food!" But, instead of his regular blue elite bringing him food, it was a marine painted blue and had a toilet paper tube strapped to his face. He was carrying a rather large platter. The odd thing is that the platter is ticking.

"Ahem… RAWR… um… RAWR RAWR!" He said.

What he was trying to say: "Lunch is served you smooth headedness."

What he really said: "I had mushy diarrhea. It consisted of human testicles."

"Rawr rawrrrrr rawr rawr." He responded. Which meant: "WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU EATING?"

The marine just stared at him as if his brain got overloaded with information. He then suddenly remembered something. He dropped the platter on the elite's desk and ran, pushing covenant out of the way screaming "MOVE BITCH!"

I-am-mee looked at him confused. "Rawr rawr rawr?"

Translation: "That was awfully rude of him. Why is the platter ticking?"

**BOOM!**

That was the third time this week. Luckily I-am-mee wears his gold armour everywhere. He likes gold. I think that would be the reason he's still a virgin. But that's also the reason he's still alive. Sex or life… it's a hard choice.

"Sigh…" he said, "won't these humans ever learn? These things only take down my shield. My health is almost untouchable." Beep Beep Beep RAWR RAWR RAWRRRR _"Lunch is OVERRRRRR" _ "Ah well, it was a good lunch" he said, " Time to go." So he went.

SCENE CHANGE AGAIN!

"WOW! That sure was a nice ride," Said Chief as he took Cortana from what's left of the pelican, "I almost broke a finger."

"Enjoy it while it lasts." Bitched Cortana again " Dev mode is now gone. We're going to have to do this the old fashion way… Hello? Chief? I think I snapped his brain."

"No, I was just changing settings on my mouse sensitivity. What were you saying?"

"Um… Nevermind." Cortana said in fear of really snapping his brain, "Since I figured we are facing against hunters, I have called for some backup."

"Not those walking cannon fodder!"

"No… its…" _Dare I say it? She thought, _"SPNKr rocket launchers and ammo."

"I love you!"

"Ew. Let's go."

"Great. We could…"

By the time she started, the Chief's mind had already shifted into battle mode and was oblivious to any advice. He went up the path through a narrow valley between two rock walls. His radar detected movement. A shit-load of jackals had just been dropped off and the drop ships are taking off. He switched from his needler to his pistol and started killing from a distance. Every bullet hit. Soon, the ground was covered with purple blood and the green glow of their plasma pistols. Nice combination.

"How did you do that? Last time, you couldn't even pick off a grunt."

"Mouse sensitivity"

"Ah"

He continued and found there was a normal warthog conveniently located behind a rock. He took it and drove around the island to where the human drop ship crash-landed. There he found the holy grail of weaponry: an SPNKr rocket launcher with 5 reloads scattered around it. He also found pistol ammo. Too amazed for words, he switched his beloved needler for the rocket, got into the warthog and kept on going. It was then Cortana made Chief realize something very bad.

"Hey Chief!"

"Not now… Basking in the glow of the rocket."

"Look up to your left."

He did. The half demolished structure with the wrecked pelican sticking out of the side was there. There was also a small ramp, which he could have easily slipped down. It took him 5 seconds to realize that he could have just slid down the side. "Ah $#+" he said.

"Oh, by the way, there are green balls of plasma flying towards you from your front, back and on top." Cortana replied.

"I don't care! As long as I'm the warthog, I'm invincible!" BEEP! His shields went down "Maybe not. I'm going to just drive out of here now." That's what he did.

Seconds later…

The Master Chief, carrying his companion Cortana, walked away from the flaming wreckage of the warthog. Fragments of the windshield were still stuck in his armour. "How the heck did you manage to destroy a warthog?" Asked Cortana, "The game designed those things to be invincible!"

"What do you expect to happen when you detonate 9 grenades right under the fuel tank?" the Chief answered, "That the warthog would fly on top of the island?"

"But… Game… Halo… Reality… Ah, forget it."

"That's what I thought. Now let's get going."

The unlikely duo walked and walked and walked. Eventually they turned a corner and saw the huge covenant structure loaming overhead. They also saw 5 jackals huddled together gossiping how commander I-am-mee has an obsession about forking, spooning and the 'Spork'.

"Hmm… They are huddled in a group." Muttered Chief to himself, "An explosion will finish them off."

"Chief! Use the rocket!"

"Must save precious ammo!" He then threw a human grenade towards the group of Jackals. One of them _just happened_ to turn around and the shield deflected the grenade right back at Chief. "_F…_"

BOOM! 

"Okay. I'm going to use the rocket now."

(Another) **BOOM!**

There was a huge black mark surrounded by an even bigger purple mark. The jackals' bodies splattered the surrounding area. "Ouch" said the Chief, "that must have hurt."

"It doesn't look that way." Cortana replied, "The user needs a new graphics card."

"Graphics card? Do I want to know what that is?"

"Sigh… the information would probably overload your puny little brain. Let's get going."

They walked a couple of steps when they found something that is really strange. A couple of hunters were lying in a pool of their own blood. And a smell that resembled the smell of the Pillar of Autumn's café lingered in the air.

"Oh no!" said the Chief, "I know that smell anywhere! Atomic 20-bean mega chilli surprise! I'd never thought they would actually use it!"

"Hey there Chiefy! Come over here and have some of my cooking!" Said one of the café ladies that were huddled over in a corner with the others and sharing recipes. I should mention that the chief was rather hungry.

"Chief! No time to chat! We need to go into the structure and activate the Cartographer! Why do my sensors indicate that there is a bio-hazardous fluid running down your digestive track? Oh no. Activating suit's emergency ventilation standby system. Beginning countdown to total liquidation!" ranted Cortana, "Super soldiers give super gas."

"Whatever" the green warrior replied. They then headed indoors with a nuclear bomb up their ass. To their amazement, the enemy has already been killed. "Hmm… these shots look like they have been made by a seasoned soldier. Could it be possible that the marines have killed them off? Probably." Muttered the Chief.

"How do you know that these shots are made be a professional?" Said Cortana

"Because they are head shots! Only the 1337 of the 1337 can do stuff like that! Oh holy 1337ness! You are better then the rocket!" said the Chief.

"I want to be loved too!" said a voice that came from his shoulder mounted rocket launcer.

"YOU CAN TALK MR. ROCKET?"

"No, hehe, I was just messing with your head. You humans are so manipulative" Said Cortana.

"Don't… ever… do that again!"

"Well… Chief! I sense movement!"

"Rocket time!"

They, with 'Mr. Rocket' rounded a corner and came face-to-face with a red elite. Because of the Chief's slow reactions, the elite had time to think.

"Hmm… it's a human in green armour. It bears major resemblance to the one they call the demon. Wait, is that an SPNKr human rocket launcher! Even with its primitive slow-traveling projectile ammunition, it's still my favourite gun! I heard that one of those things could take down a hunter in one shot! Why is the human backing away? He must either scared of my 1337ness, or he's going to fire the rocket… $#+"

**BOOM!**

Yep, that's how long the chief's reaction time is. Picking off grunts was easy after this. More walking and several 'BOOMS' later, the Chief heard some familiar squeaking.

"I spy with my little eye, something grey!"

"The wall!"

"How did you know?"

"Okay, my turn! I spy with my little eye, something that's glowing and spinning and blue"

"Silent Cartographer!"

"Wow! You are psychic!"

"Grrr…" the Chief growled. "Marines"

To be continued…

Author's Note: Damn… Long… Chapter… Read slower! It takes forever to write these things. Homework doesn't help either. How much money do you think I would get if I published and sold it? Put it in your reviews. JUST CLICK THE BUTTON!


	10. The FINAL Chapter!

Halo VS Reality 9 – Final Chapter 

The final part of this long book,

Which I have pained long to write

Won't you please take a look?

With the reader's unforgiving sight.

And when you're done with this story

Review, for it is your duty!

This thing is neither bloody nor gory

So review, plus, it has no nudity!

Funny, this piece I wrote

Talk like Yoda, I do!

Laughter and suspense, this story, I coat.

When I'm finally done, I'm going to eat stew.

Enjoy this last part of the epic story

Plus, I hope this isn't too bory. (Boring with a 'y')

_The above is a sonnet I wrote in semi-Shakespeare style!_

Now, to the story! 

I-am-mee calmly walked to where he 'parked' his banshee. He walked over the hill, which hid his craft from sight. "Oh yea," he said as he saw it, "The little problem." He headed back to camp where he picked up a human relic. It was an emergency radio. "Ahem…" he said into the radio in perfect English, "We wish to evacuate some fellow fighters that are not covenant. We are doing our best to hold them off with our plasma… er… assault rifles but are loosing ground. We see a clearing where you can land but not get hit. Hurry! Did I mention that we are not covenant?"

"Good one sir!" butt-kissed another elite that was by his side.

"Hi there hot stuff!" replied a seductive female human from the radio, "You want to have some fun? The cost is 30$ per minute. Do you accept?"

The blue elite just stared at the gold elite who stared back. The blue elite, who has absolutely no self-control, broke into an unnaturally wide grin (even for an elite) and shouted into the receiver of the radio, "YES! OH GOD YES!"

"_Whatever,"_ thought the commander, _"But this is coming out of his pay check. He's going to have a diet of marine candy bars for a few months. Oh well, I didn't like human devices anyways. I've got a better idea." _

"Grunt!" said the gold elite "Give me your plasma pistol." The grunt obliged out of obvious fear. I-am-mee overcharged it, aimed it into the air and closed his eyes in extreme concentration. He then lowered his arm to a 45-degree angle and fired. The bolt flew high up at incredible speeds and smashed into the cockpit of a wandering pelican. The driver, being incredibly old, got disoriented by the flashing light, and luckily crash-landed right in front of I-am-mee. But sadly, that was where the grunt was standing. The Elite climbed inside the crashed pelican and pulled out the driver. He name tag said "Solid Snake" Sighing at the game designer's sense of humour, he tossed aside the person and commandeered the pelican. It took him a while to figure out the controls, but he did eventually. He flew, according to the radar, to the silent cartographer. On his way there, he met a covenant drop ship that easily out ran him. He was thinking that maybe the pelican has a turbo drive. But after searching around for a while, he didn't find any. "Sigh…" he said to himself, "By the time I get there, this level is going to be over."

"Marines!" call the Master Chief, "Come out!" Barney poked his head out of a corner. He then motioned the others to come. Whispers and mutters echoed amongst the crowd. They were having doubts about the Chief's loyalty, but he was their only chance of getting out of there. They decided to let him live… for now. They would do nasty stuff to him in his sleep later. The Chief oddly felt guilty about ditching the marines and decided to finally confess the truth to them, "Look, I know I haven't been a good comrade and all, ditching you and leaving you alone. That's because I was scared, but I felt guilty and came back. Now I'm here. Will you ever forgive me?"

"No." They all said simultaneously.

"Oh… Okay then… Let's get out first. You can try to kill me later." Noticing something, Master Chief looked around and saw a huge pile of dead covenant. He then looked back at the marines. "How come you guys can only do useful things only when I'm not here?"

Moving on, they walked up the blood-stained corridor and they were about to head up a ramp when they saw three jackals coming down. "Evasive manoeuvres!" Barney cried. The marines all ducked behind something. Suddenly, nine pistol shots went off and the three jackals were dead. The chief looked at Kyle who looked back. Both their pistols were smoking. "Let's go." Chief said as Kyle took out a plasma pistol, overcharged it, and went in front of the chief.

The door opened at the end of the ramp. The sound surprised an unlucky jackal on the other side. A single bullet to the head quickly silenced him. His teammates heard the noise and readied their shields at the direction. Once they spotted their enemies, they started firing. (Obviously!) Kyle quickly took cover behind the chief and fired the overcharged pistol. It bursted a covenant shield rather fast. The shield's owner also died pretty fast after that too. These actions were repeated for the other Jackals who's AI didn't include 'adapting to simple tactics'. "All clear." Barney said, "Move out." As soon as they did, a rain of plasma came down from above. They took cover again under the place where the covenant were standing.

"Okay." Said Barney, "Let's not move out. We need a plan and we need one fast. There are covenant are on top of us and are impeding our progress. We need some way to take them out."

"Well… I do have a rocket launcher." Said the Chief. Usually, he would not take simple suggestions from his teammates, but in this case, the marines have proven themselves to be at least a bit useful. He will let them live. "I could move in and blow the $#+ out of them." That exactly what he did. Grunts and blood flew everywhere. An elites were crying in pain due to shrapnel in the eyes.

"F-YOU! I-CANT-SEE!" Cried the blue elite.

"Yes?" replied Efyou Icantsee, (Sound it out) who was the red elite that was stand around the corner. The blast also detonated some dropped grenades making the blast even more exciting.

"Heh… N00b." Kyle muttered, but his voice was lost in the explosion. "Sigh… Let's get moving people"

They moved and moved. They came up some ramps and found two decaying hunters. Several marines stopped to fork and spoon the hunters' dead bodies. "Tasty!" quoted a random marine. "Even better when it's been left for a while!" quoted another. While some marines were feasting, other was standing around while the Chief and Kyle was taking care of remaining covenant scum. After a few gruesome murders and two mutilations, they 'team' finally moved on.

Coming to the last room where only a short corridor was between them and freedom, the group met heavy resistance. There were one blue elite, one red elite, a handful of grunts and a couple of jackals. Barney, who was hidden behind Foehammer, fired his stolen plasma rifle futilely against a blue elite. Foehammer, herself, carried her trusty M6D pistol and was making the elite do funky dance moves by shooting various parts of its body. Unknown to her, the elite was actually playing Dance Dance Revolution using his high-tech covenant dancing suit complete with energy shield. Eventually, the stream of pistol bullets wore his shield away and he eventually died. But he honourably died DANCING!

While they were doing that, Mr. X had already circled around back and was picking off grunts and jackals with his pistol. The Master Chief was happily 'bowing stuff up with his wocket launcha' (See author's note about this). Kyle was impossibly duel wielding a plasma pistol and a human pistol at the same time, and he was pwning left and right. As for the rest of the marines, they had paired off with so that a soldier welding a plasma weapon could take down the opponent's shield while the other soldier could finish it off with a human weapon. In no time at all, the room was clear. "Let's go!" the Chief muttered through the com-link with his fellow teammates.

"Why did you use the com-link?" said Kyle, "We're right here."

The chief gave Kyle an evil glare, which quickly shut Kyle up.

(That's impossible, but Kyle could duel wield.)

They walked around the room looking for a way out. Eventually, they found a corridor and went in with the Chief leading them. The turned a corner and ran head first into a gold elite. (Literally) The elite was bumped back and swiped the air in front of him with his energy sword. This gave the lone Spartan enough time to ready the rocket launcher and fire it. CLICK! He had no ammo left. Just as the elite elite was about the cut the Chief in to little bits, Kyle jumped in. "STOP! He is unarmed! It is dishonourable!" The elite seemed to understand what the human was saying. It calmly reached into his ammo pack and pulled out a metal Spork. He gave it to the Chief.

"Rawr." I-am-mee said.

Translation_: "Here's the ultimate human weapon: The Gundamanium plated, Aldurium reinforced, Energy shield coated Spork!"_

The Chief looked confused. "You've got to be kidding…" He didn't have time to finish that sentence because he was dodging the rods of super-hot plasma that was coming at him. He dodged into a corner. He had no choice but to block… with a Spork. FLASH! The Spork's shields shimmered but it held, keeping the beams of deadly plasma away from the chief's head. The Chief then rolled between I-am-mee's legs and stood up behind him doing something that was… bad. The next thing I-am-mee felt was an energy-shielded Spork going up his butt. Wincing from pain, the elite swung his sword around in an attempt to chop off the chief's head. The chief ducked. "Too predictable." He muttered. He immediately pulled the Spork out from… that place and caught the energy sword that was coming from above with the forky part. They were locked in a position with the elite trying to bring the energy sword onto the Chief's head, which was trying to push it away with the Spork.

"10 Seconds to total liquidation!" Said Cortana. "You'd better get out of here fast before that Café ladies' cooking comes out in nasty ways."

"Kinda busy here"

"7 Seconds"

"Ahhhhh!"

"4"

"3

"2"

"1"

"Opening exhausts vents!"

Hearing what Cortana said, I-am-mee panicked and jumped out a window. "AHHhhhh…"

_(To explain this, I have put it in I-am-mee's point of view.)_

I-am-mee's point of view… 

Hm… This human fights good. He would make a good leader. What! Countdown? Oh no! I didn't think they would actually use the café ladies' cooking! I'm going to die a slow and painful death! Must escape! "AHHhhhh…"

Back to regular point of view 

"Well… That was weird," said Cortana.

"Duck and hold your breath! Emergency suicide manoeuvres!" Screamed the Chief as everyone tried to slit their wrists with their assault rifles.

"Whoops, due to an error in my calculations, you still have around 2 minutes before the nuke in your butt goes off." Informed Cortana, "Closing exhausts vents. Going back to red alert."

"Calm down marines. It was just a drill. For now, I think that Foehammer should go with me but the rest of you stay here." Said the Chief.

Mummers of agreement filled the air. "So it is decided." Barney said, "We'll defend this fortress from the covenant and wait again for you to come back. Foehammer will be Chief's back up. No Kyle! You can't go with chief to show your shiny ass off."

"Party pooper." Kyle cursed under his breath, "And my ass isn't shiny. It's hairy." Everyone's eye simultaneously started twitching.

"… I'm going to go now." And so the chief went.

After a while…

"I'm tired!" Foehammer said, "Let's take a rest."

"But we've only walked up two ramps. You can still hear the marines talking about the regurgitation of unspoken bodily fluids… I think they do that just to sound tough."

"Right…" Foehammer said.

"Whatever, let's get going soldier" The Chief ordered as he stepped right into a cloaked elite. The elite whacked him in the head taking down his shield. "ow" He countered by stabbing the legendary spork into the elite's stomach, then brought it up through his heart. Another cloaked soldier of the covenant sneaked up behind the green giant and was about to finish him off, when Foehammer, with her excellent eye, spotted it and planted a pistol bullet in its brain.

"We've got to go! Atomic eruption in 30 Seconds!" Ordered Cortana. Master Chief grabbed Foehammer as if she was a teddy bear and sprinted out of the building at top speed (50 mph), where they conveniently found a pelican parked there. Foehammer got in and revved up the engines. The rockets roared and the pelican lifted off with two or three invisible elites firing at it. (Can't tell because they are invisible.) The Chief was providing cover fire while the pelican was taking off. Some plasma bolts charred his armour.

"That's not supposed to happen…" thought Cortana, "his armour wasn't supposed to char" 

"We're clear"

"Alright. Land right there. I have to go… badly."

Several Hours Later 

"So that's why they call it 'Death Island' on the inter-net." the Chief looked down at the dump he just made. It was killing all the vegetation and wild life in a 5-Km radius. Even when he was around 750M up in the air, it was still visible and it still smelled horrible. To avoid any witty comment from Cortana, he took out her AI chip and placed it one of his ammo pouches. "Anyways, I think we should wait a while before we assault the control room."

"Yea…"

"Hmm…" the Chief said sensing something is missing, " Y0U R0XX3RZ /\/\Y B0XX3RZ" He quickly winced after saying that.

"That's nice."

"Huh?" he said, relaxing, "By now, you would have dealt more damage to me then a 20-elite pwnage. What's wrong?"

"I was just thinking… Why do we have to kill? Can't we solve this problem diplomatically? What the hell does the covenant want from us to want to kill us so badly? I'm sick of all this meaningless slaughter. They kill us, so we kill them. It's pointless. The prophets are wrong. They are just a bunch of power-hungry fools. But if they are fools, then why do people follow their so-called teachings? Arrggg! The world is such a confusing place. I wish this would all stop." Foehammer said.

The Master Chief was widely confused by this. But remembering the events that happened, especially with the logic of the exploding warthog, the burnt armour, the Spork killings and the invincibility of dev-mode, things finally made sense. He put his gloved hand over the pilot's shoulder. He felt her tremble at his touch. (Probably from pain) "We are in a game called Halo. We are living inside a game with reality brought onto it when **Cortana** and **I** entered the realm of multiplayer. Right now, there is a much bigger conflict going on in this universe, much bigger then the war between covenant and humans. Right now, in this game, you are able to re-spawn when you die. However, when the Halo universe was tainted by reality, this will become naught a game but a universe and will be imprinted upon time and space as a real event. In that, death is final. There will be no glitches: such as a person being both invincible and invisible. Like I said, death is final. No exception… no re-dos. Now, this is the final and ultimate battle not between the civilians of this world, but between this game and the real world. This is Halo Vs. Reality."

"So, basically, you screwed us up."

"… Yea."

THE END… finally 

Author's Note: Thank you dear reviewers and curse you who didn't review. I have poured my life and soul into this story. I have lost my job, my girlfriend, and my 1337 status on Halo multiplayer because of this story. That's how dedicated I am to this story… so I hope you have enjoyed this because, having no life and nothing to live for, I am going to slit my wrists with an assault rifle while penning out the script for Wing Commander 2. (For all you non-nerds out there, that is where "all your base are belong to us" came from.) LOL, just kidding. If you would like me to continue this story onto the assault on the control room, review me about it. I need to get at least 5 reviews on this subject before continuing this story. About the "bowing stuff up with his wocket launcha" part, that's just an inside joke. Long story short: my brother can't pronounce words well.

PS: Just kidding. I'm doing fine. But thank you for asking. There is going to be one more chapter after this. It's a parody of Halo: Combat Evolved (the full version). I have recently switched from demo to full. Real funny. Must read.

PPS: I'd like to give thanks to Panda Bear (Shenyu) for… um… something, I forgot. I'd also like to give thanks to Emily, my girl friend for giving me inspiration for jokes. If you are reading this: thanks for the good time we had last night. I know you weren't faking.  I also can't forget Bungie for making this awesome god of a game. Oh yes… Panda Bear (Shenyu) gave me **REVIEWS!**


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